Hard Times

I always joke about how I think Heavenly Father finds my life humorous. I sometimes think to myself that He just needs a reason to laugh, so that's why my life is so crazy. 

I absolutely hate money. It brings out the absolute worst in people, and it really tears families apart. You would think that  a strong family could make it through money issues with a closeness and a bond that is unbreakable. Especially a family who has made it through the worst of things. But life seems to prove other wise lately. I find myself trying to put the pieces back together, but it's not just a one man job. 

I have a lot on my mind lately. I have so many things to think about and to figure out before I leave. Saying I'm stressed is seriously and understatement. I try to work through it and figure it out, but most of the time, I really have no idea where to even begin. 

All I know is that it is never easy to fix a family that is falling apart at the seams. Guys. This is totally one of those things that I thought would never happen to me. I have grown up with the best family in the world. I have an amazing mom and a hard working dad. I have amazing siblings. But lately, everyone just gives up on everything. That has never been my family. We don't give up. We don't let the hard times get in the way of loving each other and growing from it. But this time, everything is different. My parents are fighting, my siblings are fighting, stress is at an all time high for everyone. 

I feel so guilty sometimes. Like it's my fault. I feel selfish that I'm going off to college in two weeks and leaving my family a mess. But how am I supposed to fix it? I really can't. I've tried everything I can think of. I'll clean the house in the middle of the night so no one has to worry about the house being a mess. I'll go visit my mom at work to try and put her in a better mood, but she always comes home disappointed and often times more stressed than ever. 

I seriously sometimes just have days where I come home and cry. I have never felt so helpless. I know this all seems so dramatic, but seriously, it's a rough situation. I've never been through anything like this before. It's a burden that I carry very heavily and I honestly am weak enough to admit that I am not handling it well. 

Maybe it's the Lord's way of helping me grow. I really don't know. But all I know is that through this trial, I have never felt more alone. I wish things were different sometimes. But I just always have to remember that there are blessings in trials. I guess that has to be enough hope just to push through this, even if my family doesn't make it. I have to.